Wild Bologna and Other Plausible Tales
LAND WHALES
Not many are familiar with the true nature of the legendary land whales, even if they may have seen them a few times before. They are found near farms and ranches though nobody knows where they spawn. Found usually in areas with a high density of prairie, but they’re accustomed to any stretches of land as long as they can migrate appropriately.
Their migration alternates between incredibly slow movement, seen as unrolling and then rolling back up across the field and extremely fast movement when they decide to leave for the next stage of their migration.
Their migration period can be identified by the land whales stacking themselves up alongside fences during the day and then mysteriously disappearing by the next morning. Although their movements have never actually been recorded to this day, it’s possible that, once they choose to move, they are too fast for modern technology to detect.
It is believed that land whales either feed on straw or use it as natural camouflage to move across populated areas. This is believed to be why they migrate through during harvest time when the straw is easily accessible.
An industry has built up around Land Whales and Land Whale Sushi production depots disguised as farms can be seen dotted across the prairies. There is no preset hunting season for Land Whales as the Government continues to naysay their existence to be able to plunder the herds with minimal protestor involvement.
Here we see a group of land whales preparing for migration.
SKUNK MALLARDS
Belonging to the waterfowl family Anatidae (which also includes ducks, geese, and swans), Skunk Mallards are masters of stealth and sabotage. So stealthy, one could even consider them invisible.
They have been known for years by their unique duck call, resulting in the often asked question "Did someone step on a Duck?" The mating call of the Skunk Mallard sounds eerily similar to the sound of a human expelling methane.
Their only confirmed habitat is located suspiciously close to Doug’s house. Experts in the biology field have wagered that he might even be breeding them for some malicious reason only known to him.
THE DEAL WITH THE MOSQUITOES
(date unknown, assumed to be sometime in the 1990s)
No one is quite sure what year the deal with the mosquitoes first took place, save for Doug and whoever the Mosquito Chieftain was at the time. All that is known about this dark deed was that after it took place (through signing official documents or perhaps just a “blood” pact), Doug was never bitten by a Parkland County mosquito again. Instead, his family took his place, as they acted as an offering to appease the insects. The logistics surrounding mosquito territory is quite blurry, so exactly how far of a radius Doug’s immunity has is unknown, although his kids insist they have seen him receive bites on road trips in BC.
WILD BOLOGNA
This tale is currently under construction as evidence is gathered to defend our hypothesis against The Secret National Department of Know it All Nay Sayery.
Cuz it's secret. That's why you've never heard of it. Duh!